The Saga of Mindless Rants
by TamwynMochidzuki
Summary: The Harry Potter characters giving their own...unique view on various subjects.  Very AU.  Now Featuring Harry Potter and Severus Snape, Kreacher the House Elf, Lord Voldemort, Sirius Black, Nymphadora Tonks, and potentially many, many more!
1. Harry Potter Life and Death

Note: TamwynMochidzuki does not own any of the characters featured in these wonderful little rants. Tamwyn owns only ideas and the various AUs these characters come from. Please review, and please do not flame. Tamwyn thanks You!

**The Mindless Rantings of… Harry Potter**

Screw the best of times, it was certainly, definitely, and absolutely the worst of times. At least it was for me. In short, my life sucks. Why, you ask? Well, it is because I'm the-boy-who-bloody-well-wouldn't-snuff-it-and-has-far-too-many-hyphens-in-his-god-damn-name-because-of-the-stupid-press. In short, I am Harry Potter.

Anyhoo, my life sucks. My parents were zapped with a green light when I was just one year old, leaving me without parents and them without lives. Then I was placed in the care of my beloved (note the sarcasm here, folks, it is important) aunt and uncle, where I rotted for ten years in a lovely little cupboard, where most folks keep cleaning supplies. And that was all I was too them, a cleaning supply. Ahem. Then I got shipped of to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, where the same lovely psychopathic murdering snake faced bastard as before tried to zap me with the same purty green light that zapped dear old mum and dad.

So, I blundered around with little assistance, avoiding death and showers like the plague – honestly, do you ever read about me taking a shower? It isn't often. And my faithful sidekicks, the should-have-been Ravenclaw and the not-very-faithful Weasley followed me all the way. Most of the time.

Now, I must ask, who wants to trade lives with me? If you're hopping up and down like a cricket on crack, hand thrust up in the air and waving violently, and voice going like one of those god-awful birds that just won't shut up, shouting "Me! Me! Me! Me!" I would have to ask you what the hell you're smoking, because I want some.

Anyhoo, you know what I really hate? Manipulations, lemon drops, and door-to-door salesmen. Put them together and who do you get? No, not a very sneaky lemon drop salesman. You get Albus Dumbledore, the esteemed former headmaster. One of the things I hate is obvious about him. Why is he a door to door salesman, you ask? Well, how do you think the Dursleys got me? And how is he manipulative? Think about it, folks. The man practically played out my life like a chess game! Even his death was just another trial to form me into the perfect weapon.

And that is all I am. A weapon.

You know what 'the power the Dark Lord knows not' really is? Love? Hah! Nope. I hated the asshole's guts when I killed him. And surely other mothers died protecting their children, so it couldn't have been mummy's sacrifice.

The power the dark lord knows not is actually quite simple. The simple fact is drum roll please both Fate and Death hate me. Fate makes my life hell on earth, and Death simply refuses to collect my soul.

In fact, it is so bad; I am now the oldest human to ever live. Including Nicholas Flamel. I am more than 1000 years old, and I still haven't died.

Ya know, I think Death is allergic to me…


	2. Severus Snape  Sexual Frustration

Note: TamwynMochidzuki does not own any of the characters featured in these wonderful little rants. Tamwyn owns only ideas and the various AUs these characters come from. Please review, and please do not flame. Tamwyn thanks You!

**The Mindless Rantings of… Severus Snape**

God damn it. Do you know how long it has been since I last got laid? I'll tell you. It has been 17 years, 4 months, 26 days, 9 hours, 42 minutes, 13 seconds, etc. Every other teacher at this damn school gets laid at least once a month, even Dumbledore. Damn it, even the werewolf gets laid. Once a month, during the full moon. I caught them at it once, the wolf and the mutt.

Ahem.

Now the students are coming into my dungeon. I see Draco Malfoy strutting in, flanked by his minions. There is something about Malfoys that makes them desperate to surround themselves with complete and utter morons. Malfoy have veela blood, you see, but it hasn't bred true in centuries. Still, they have a little something extra… No! This is so wrong! I am not a pedophile! And he's my godson! Eeew…

I tear my eyes away from my godson and focus on the door once more. Oh, the terrible trio. Potter, Weasley, and Granger. I turn away in disgust. The three sit down, Granger chittering at the other two like a prairie dog, Potter staring vacantly into space, and Weasley staring down into his battered cauldron, his freckled cheeks stained pink with embarrassment? Shame? It doesn't matter, the tips of his ears bright crimson.

The next student to enter the classroom was the one to put me in this damnable state. He had accidently doodled on his essay – very provocative doodles. He enters nervously, almost trembling as he sits down in his assigned place, with the knowledge that I had seen his doodles. I watch him malevolently, smirking as his eyes meet mine. Class starts. I collect their essays, handing the graded ones back. As I approach the doodler, he starts to sweat. Wordlessly, I stand over him. He shrinks in his seat. I hand him the graded essay with a smirk on my lips and murder in my eyes. He glances at the grade, eyes widening. It is the highest grade he has ever received from me. An Exceeds Expectations. His mouth drops open and he stares at me.

"Passable." I say, moving onto my next victim – er… student.

Who knew Neville Longbottom had such an active, dirty, imagination and the artistic talent to back it up? And who knew that the boy was gay? And who knew that Longbottom's favorite model was me? Oooh, blackmail…


	3. Kreacher Gringotts

Note: TamwynMochidzuki does not own any of the characters featured in these wonderful little rants. Tamwyn owns only ideas and the various AUs these characters come from. Please review, and please do not flame. Tamwyn thanks You!

**The Mindless Rantings of… Kreacher**

The nasssty half breed is back, with its horrible blood traitor of a godfather. Kreacher must hide the special Black treasures, or else they will try to ruin and contaminate them. Kreacher must not let them at Mistress's precious jewelry. Precioussss…

Oh look, precious. The half breed scum, the disappointment's disappointment, is bringing something with it. The scum's new things look to be two of the people…

Oh, shit, precious. It's Kreacher's biggest mistakes.

Decades ago, Kreacher went to Gringotts with Kreacher's Beautiful Mistress, Kreacher was left alone while Mistress conducted secret business. Kreacher saw a beautiful young goblin and things happened. Kreacher had to boil himself in oil for five minutes for his lack of restraint.

Kreacher had no idea that the people and goblins were compatible…

And Kreacher must ask, precious, what the bloody hell is Dobby doing here? And why is his brother Smeagol with him? The Black relics are mine, precioussss…


	4. Lord Voldemort  Descent into Darkness

Note: TamwynMochidzuki does not own any of the characters featured in these wonderful little rants. Tamwyn owns only ideas and the various AUs these characters come from. Please review, and please do not flame. Tamwyn thanks You!

**The Mindless Rantings of… Lord Voldemort**

I was fourteen when I first fell in love. The orphanage at which I lived was going on a trip, courtesy of a mysterious patron. Everyone in the orphanage packed up their meager belongings and started walking. We were walking to the docks, in order to take a ship to Canada. As we got on the ship, many of my fellow orphans looked around in awe. The boat was beautiful, with cheap gold paint sparkling everywhere. It was entirely too Gryffindor for my tastes. Each of us children got a room to ourselves. My room was decorated with red and gold and orange. I would have preferred green and silver and black, but beggars can't be choosers, as the saying goes.

The boat ride was long. I spent much of my time on the deck, out of the way, speaking with my snake, Nagini. Finally, after two weeks of ceaseless rocking up and down and side to side and forward and backward, we arrived. Canada.

We stayed at a B+B in the wilderness, away from the city, in a grove of maple trees.

The first morning, the B+B served pancakes, hot, with maple syrup. I was hooked. I adored the sticky sweetness that was maple syrup. I ate pancakes every day, with increasing ecstasy. The children began to look at me strangely, but I didn't care. The sugar was my legal drug.

But then the worst occurred. The maple grove burned down, arson, set by a muggle. The syrup ran out. I was incensed. My mind narrowed into a small point. I saw red. The muggles burned down my maple trees. They must pay…

One night, when everyone was asleep, I snuck out, wand in hand. I followed the trail of the arsonist until I found the stupid muggle. I crucioed the living shit out of the man, laughing as he shrieked in pain. The bastard took away my syrup, and he would pay.

When I got back to England, I imported one of the last jars of maple syrup from my grove. No other syrup seemed to taste as good.

Now, to get into my inner circle of Death Eaters, potential candidates must take one taste of the holy maple syrup, and if they do not swear revenge on all muggles for the burning of the grove, they die.

Hail Syrup! Burn and Kill all Muggles!


	5. Sirius Black Life After Death

Note: TamwynMochidzuki does not own any of the characters featured in these wonderful little rants. Tamwyn owns only ideas and the various AUs these characters come from. Please review, and please do not flame. Tamwyn thanks You!

**The Mindless Rantings of… Sirius Black**

Wow. This really sucks. I have been stuck here in this stinking hole for two years, ever since I fell through the veil in the Department of Mysteries.

Oh, you want to know what happened after I fell? Well, I found myself in front of a big black pit, with a large voice booming out, "**Oh shit. It's you again." **I wrinkled my nose. Again? I'd never been there before…although it did seem fairly familiar…

Anyhoo, there I was, standing in front of death, cowering and trembling in my boots.

Yeah right.

I marched right up to the edge of the pit, glared down into the darkness, and spoke.

"Who the bloody hell do you think you are? I need to go back to the Department of Mysteries, help my godson, catch that bloody rat, clear my name, and get laid, over and over, with lots of girls, sexy ones, with big boobs. Send me back now or, or, I'll sic Moony on you… Umm…Yeah."

"**Foolish mortal-"** the voice began booming.

"Oh, shut up. Or whisper. Or something." I whined.

"**Foolish, foolish Mortal! I am Death! And for mocking me, I shall send you back to life…as a dementor!"** Death squeaked.

What…the…hell.

And so now I'm a dementor in Azkaban.

And have you ever seen a Lady Dementor?

God damn it, I still can't get laid. In life, or in life, or in death.

Joy.


	6. Nymphadora Tonks Pickles

Note: TamwynMochidzuki does not own any of the characters featured in these wonderful little rants. Tamwyn owns only ideas and the various AUs these characters come from. Please review, and please do not flame. Tamwyn thanks You!

**The Mindless Rantings of… Nymphadora Tonks**

I hate pickles.

No, seriously, I do. And you know why? Of course you don't. Pickles are perhaps the only substance in the world that can hinder the transformation of a metamorphagus. For some of us, it can be as bad as an allergic reaction. I am one of those poor, poor people. Which is why I hate pickles.

Take, for example, if I had just eaten a nice sandwich, with lots of mayonnaise, with a pickle on the side, when Headmaster Dumbledore comes in and asks me to go on a spying mission. Well, in that case, I would be rather useless, wouldn't I? I wouldn't be able to change my features, and I would come out in a dreadful rash, and I would take my true form. I knew you could grasp the concept.

However, it is not just ingesting pickles that stops the transformation, oh no, that would be too easy. If I am even in the proximity of a pickle, my transformation slows down to a snails pace. And I start sneezing like mad. And the effects linger for hours.

Imagine if Death Eaters captured me, and then placed me in a cell filled with pickles. I could not escape no matter how hard I tried. And I would be very uncomfortable. And eventually, I would revert to my true form. The Horrors!

I remember the time when dementors were chasing me. Well, not really chasing, more like gliding after. I ran into a nice little suburban café, you know, the kind with cute little tables and cute little tablecloths. Well, anyways, I ran into the kitchen and took cover behind a conveniently placed barrel. I focused on a happy memory, cast my patronus, and was in my own happy little world. Until I saw what was in the conveniently placed barrel. Pickles. I started to hyperventilate and panic and spew swear and violently sneeze. The patronus failed, and I would have been in really deep shit, if Kingsly hadn't come in when he did. He saved my ass.

I really hate pickles.

Note: Thank you all for reading and reviewing! This collection has been up for one day and already there have been 364 hits, 7 reviews, 3 faves, and 4 alerts! Thank you!


	7. Peter Pettigrew Rodents and Dolphins

Note: TamwynMochidzuki does not own any of the characters featured in these wonderful little rants. Tamwyn owns only ideas and the various AUs these characters come from. Please review, and please do not flame. Tamwyn thanks You!

**The Mindless Rantings of… Peter Pettigrew**

Dolphins.

Those annoying little buggers piss me off.

Do you know why dolphins annoy me so much?

I'll tell you.

They squeak.

And it's loud and annoying and it just won't end and annoying and loud and repetitive and it drills into your brain and gives you a headache.

Damn it, rodents such as myself should be the only creatures aloud to squeak!

It squicks me.

Also, dolphins are portrayed as friendly.

Rodents are the epitome of friendly. (Most of the time.) Just look at Disney! They have a mouse as a mascot! Can you think of any major film corporations with a dolphin as a mascot? Neither can i.

And somehow, dolphins manage to have a better reputation than us rodents.

I despise dolphins.


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